10. FRANK WARREN (up)
The boxing promoter joined a very small band of sporting figures to have appeared on Desert Island Discs and came up with a killer playlist. Warren chose a soulful mix of Al Green, Barrett Strong and The Temptations, and then, clever chap, picked Treasure Island as his castaway book. The best mix of sport and music since Melchester Rovers signed two members of Spandau Ballet.

9. 3D (down)
Not content with wall-to-wall football with a football underlay, Sky are preparing to do an Avatar and show Sunday's knees-up between Arsenal and Manchester United in 3D. You will almost be able to feel Gary Neville's raised finger and taste Cesc Fabregas' spit if you're unlucky enough to find yourself in one of nine pubs debuting the technology. Avatar, by the way, is a tale of death and destruction featuring grotesque figures turning the air blue. Hmm.

8. LEICESTER TIGERS (down)
The Tigers bowed out of the Heineken Cup after losing to the Ospreys but sought a replay after their opponents played with 16 men for 55 seconds. Were they right or wrong?

They were clearly right to raise the issue as, had they been awarded a penalty for the offence, they would have been two points down with five minutes left. Then again, Leicester did actually win a Heineken Cup in 2002 with help from some Neil Back skulduggery. Sports Watch noted one comment, putatively posted by a Simon Shaw, in response to a comment piece by The Sunday Times' Stephen Jones. "I liked the story on Leicester - they were always cheating so and so's. Except for Johnno - who is now my coach. Very balanced articles - you back on the happy pills? Off to oil my thighs." Quite.

7. JIM COURIER (up)
It is often said that post-match interviews in the immediate aftermath of an event are a waste of time. Not any more.

Courier was once the epitome of the dull tennis player with a deathly game and less flair than Millets. Now he has the look of a spaced-out surfer and, seconds after Andy Murray had beaten Rafael Nadal, asked the Scot all about pink tracksuits and whether he shared a bath with his coach.

You just don't get that with Sue Barker.

6. CHRIS SMALLING (up)
Sports Watch loves a transfer from leftfield.

Mark Hateley to AC Milan, Juninho to Middlesbrough, Carlton Palmer to anyone. Now the Fulham rookie has signed for Manchester United despite never being on the winning side in a Premier League match. We bow to no one in respect for Roy Hodgson's knowledge and hope Maidstone United really is the future.

5. RAFAEL NADAL (down)
A bad week for the real Rafa. With a furrowed brow that suggests a thousand 11-plus exams, the tub-thumping testosterone drip was overwhelmed by Andy Murray at the Australian Open. Nadal played well enough but lacked the knees and know-how. Have we seen his best? Let's hope not. Any sport whose spiritual home is the Cotswold Knitting Circle needs a Latin love god dressing like a psychedelic pirate and slapping his thigh in homage to Deadwood-bound Doris Day.

4. ERIC CANTONA (non-mover)
Dear old Eric has made his stage debut in the play, Face au Paradis, in which he plays an accountant trapped in a supermarket. God love him. The play was written by his wife and Eric has now set his sights on loftier ground, namely playing the lead in King Lear, the story of a mad old coot with a penchant for inane mumblings. We wish him well. Indeed, in the words of Shakespeare, himself: "Now, gods, stand up for b*******!"

3. WAYNE ROONEY (up)
It is easy to knock Rooney but if all England's players had half his spirit, guts, drive, skill, energy, intelligence and vision then we might just win the World Cup after all. This week he won the Manchester grudge match. Makes us wonder why he has spent much of his career playing out of position.

2. OWEN COYLE (down)
You and I might think that managing Bolton Wanderer is up there with Artexing your nether regions with cat litter, but the new gaffer clearly thinks it is very important. Having beaten his old club Burnley, he said he was not Judas at all, but Moses.

Whether this was a reference to waterlogged pitches is unclear, but it is always handy to know your manager is in touch with God. Keep taking the tablets, as they say in Deuteronomy.

1. ANDY MURRAY (up)
People did not like Tim Henman because he had the fist-pump of an apathetic pacifist. Not enough emotion. People do not like Murray because he likes boxing and has too much. Well, get over it. Murray is the most watchable player on tour, eccentric, inventive and increasingly brilliant. Curiously, that he has the natural elegance of a Skid Row soup kitchen makes him all the more glamorous.